[Originally written on 6/12/2010]

I had a freaking break down tonight. I mean a flood wall of tears. I slipped up & told my hubby-2-be that my veil was pink. I didn’t want him to know any thing about what I’d have on. I had set my mind on that so much that I actually decided I was even going to buy a new hair clip so he didn’t know which one I was going to have on. I wasn’t even going to show him the new one.

Am I going crazy? Or, did I have a legitimate reason to cry? I feel terrible for slipping up. I’ve held it in for 2 1/2 months now. Ughhh.

[This was added on 6/14/2010 @ 1:05AM]

Why is it that when I look on weddingwire.com (which is actually linked via my facebook profile) and read everyone’s colors, themes, plans, dresses, etc, I feel like I am going to vomit? I see these gorgeous dresses that I know I could never even bare trying on because its no where near a budget I can afford. And then I see that the color scheme I am using is so common & three years ago when I was going to get married the first time everyone thought I was nuts for choosing those colors because they’re just not proper. I literally get so angry and want to vomit when I see all of these girls with the same colors as me. And there plans look so much better than mine (probably because they’ve got daddy’s money, something I don’t have the luxury of.) Sadly it makes me hate people that I don’t even know. I don’t want to be that way. I mean, every time I sign into facebook I am on weddingwire immediately to see the updates & to look at my countdown clock and I immediately get p.o’d because someone else is getting married with my colors and themes. I don’t want to be this way. I’ve never wanted to be better than anyone. Heck, I’ve never wanted to be like someone.

In my insane madness of tears when I realized hot pink & black was the new lavender and ivory, Jamie simply says, “Change your colors.” It’s easier said than done. And I love the man with all of my heart and I know he is trying to be there for me but he really doesn’t understand.

And another thing that has me upset is my MOH. She is making no attempt to make herself involved. I tell her when I am doing things so she can come along but she never does. I tell her details via text messages and she never cares. She has absolutely no desire whatsoever about my wedding. I don’t expect her to be as excited as I am but I expect her to want to participate. She is the MOH for crying out loud. She was supposed to come over Saturday night. I was going to run some details by her & show her a few of the things I’ve ordered and gotten in since she’s been over last and she said she was coming over. 12am came, 1am came, so finally at 1:30am I said to her via text, “So I guess you’re not coming.” and I waited another hour & didn’t recieve a response. I truly thought she was my best friend but Jamie brought something to my attention that really hurt. When her “other friends” invite her to do things, or they have plans, she never calls me or invites me. She only comes over to my house when she has no one to hang out with or nothing to do. I am her last resort. Saturday afternoon I asked what she was getting into and she said “Nothing because no one invites me to do anything.” I then say, “Well, I was going to see if you wanted to come hang out.” She says, “yea, maybe later.” She is always saying thatwe never hang out anymore, but she makes no attempt to come over until its 11:30 at night and she just wants to crash on my couch for work the next morning.

I’ve come to realize this weekend that our friendship isn’t as important to her as it is “or was” to me. She is my MOH (for now) and I asked her because I thought that she was my best friend. Apparently I am a backburner friend & Jamie brought it to sight Saturday. And seriously, just sitting here writing about it makes me feel like I am going to vomit. That is how upset I truly am over this. Our only means of communication is via AIM because I cut texting off of my phone & Jamie’s just until things are better with our money. I am on AIM any time I am online. I don’t always have to be the first to start a conversation. But I am. And I try to be fun and upbeat and say things like “What’s cookin’ good lookin’?” and she comes back with “NM”. Or I’ll say “How are you today sweetie.” and she comes back with “Same as always”. And by same as always it means, “In a bad mood, having a bad day, I hate everyone, no one cares about me.” Because those are her favorite things to tell me now.

I try to talk to her to make her feel better but she apparently doesn’t want to feel better because she just stays depressed.

I seriously want to just tell her that she can help with the wedding if she wants but I don’t want her as my MOH because an MOH is supposed to be there for the bride: emotionally, phyiscally and mentally. But I am always the one there for her. The roles are reversed. And she always talks about how she’s never going to get married because she only loves one guy and he doesn’t even care that she is in existance. I don’t know what to do anymore. It makes me cry. Literally. I truly believed that we were BFF’s. Until Saturday… at which point I cried while washing dishes because I simply just don’t know what to do. My favorite sister’s life is too busy for me & my other sister lives to far away. Other than them, my MOH was all that I had & I guess I am losing her too.